My dad once said, "It is always my will to do nothing, but that is not God's will."
As I sit here on this overcast day sipping tea at work, I'm thinking about how badly I want a nap and who I would be willing to kill to get one. The rest of my day is booked with kids and activities, so it's not going to happen.
It's best to not even think about it.
Why do we even sign our kids up for activities? Worst idea ever. Just kidding - It's so we can mold them into well-rounded, happy people whom we can gloat about, clearly.
As you can tell from my snarkiness (I'm rolling with the word, even though autocorrect tried to redirect me - you're not the boss of me autocorrect!), I'm really needing that nap. I'm finding it hard to even type because I'm so tired. I don't think anyone woke me up last night, a first in a while, which should mean I feel rejuvenated.
As most moms know, the first day after a rough night isn't that bad, it's the second day (and maybe the third and fourth) that kills you.
Anyway, my body is playing catch up. The last few nights the littles have been up and playing the early bird torments the mommy while the bigs have been staying up until my bedtime demanding a little more attention and affection.
Me time is beginning to look a little different.
They are getting easier now in a lot of ways, but harder in others. They can do chores, but now want a lengthy response on why clothes need to be put in certain drawers and why we can't just live out of our laundry baskets. Why? Because we're not animals! And, no, eldest child, I don't want to get into a discussion on whether or not we are animals biologically.
I am transitioning from the physical to the mental parenting. My "me time" looks a lot like me taking a bath while a slew of people come in and ask me rhetorical questions and a lot of late night discussions on theology, politics and where babies come from. I try to redirect as much as possible on that last one.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. I like our crazy life even though there are things I wish were different. But I think that puts me in a group labeled "everyone else." We all wish we had all the answers, were better at solving problems or a shorter to-do list.
As I tick the boxes of today, I'm hoping that there's enough caffeine and will power to get me through.
I think of wills and wants and another day comes to mind ...
I had been up all night feeding the twins, spent all day alone changing diapers and dealing with toddler tantrums and my dad calls to see if he can bring over pizza. I warn him it's crazy and he probably doesn't WANT any part of this. Insert quote and there he is walking in the back door with a pizza singing:
I've got sunshine
on a cloudy day
When it's cold outside
I've got the month of may
Well, I guess you'll say
What can make me feel this way?
I throw my arms around him and take a moment to put this memory away for safe keeping.
A few months later, he's in a hospital bed slowly slipping away from us. I'm reading letters to him from friends, so many letters, so many kind words. I say, "Man! I wish I was this thoughtful."
I think his eyes are closed but he still speaks: "The road to nowhere is paved with people doing nothing. Be. Do. Write."
So although I feel like doing nothing today, I'm going to do something. Some days we have to dig deeper than others, relying on what we've got in the old memory bank. Some days it's anticipation of memories to come that drives our hard work. Other days we are in the now, doing one thing at a time, living minute to minute, even if that's in a cloudy haze because we are so flipping tired!
Man, I had no idea this was going to be deep but here we are.
I'd be a fool to let my selfish will take credit.
All I wanted was a nap!
Jen Reekie was born and raised in Quincy and received a communications degree at the University of Kansas, which has come in quite handy as she communicates every day with four children who don't hear a word she says. This stay-at-home mom enjoys the challenge, though, and shares her experiences in this blog, "Mum's the Word." She welcomes your feedback, questions and stories about staying sane while raising kids.