Steve Eighinger

Time to crown the annual Morons of the Year

By Herald-Whig
Posted: Jan. 3, 2018 8:45 am

drum roll, please.

After a year's worth of bad judgments, bad ideas and bad actions, it's time to crown the 2017 Morons of the Year. To be eligible, today's top three had to have earned gold-medal status during one of the preceding 12 months.

Obviously, these honors were well-deserved.

Bronze medal

This has to be some kind of record. It just has to be.

A 25-year-old Orlando, Fla., man was arrested on DUI charges after he struck 17 parked vehicles.

ABC News reported that Tony Futch was arrested in Davenport, Fla., after the 2003 Chevrolet Blazer he was driving struck 17 vehicles in eight different crashes as he kept trying to park his SUV.

Making matters even worse for Futch, police officers discovered that his license had been revoked for DUI in 2013.

?Silver medal

Police officers in Taunton, Mass., said the arrest of a drunken-driving suspect took a bizarre turn when she was found to be carrying a bearded dragon lizard in her bra.

A report of the incident said that when officers arrived at the scene of a crash, they found a woman standing next to her vehicle while a male friend tried to drive the car off the front lawn of a home.

Police said the vehicle had four flat tires and deployed air bags, and both bumpers were ripped off. Investigators said the 1999 Mercedes had crashed through six mailboxes before coming to rest on the lawn.

The woman, whose name was not provided but who police said was driving at the time of the crash, was arrested on charges of operating a motor vehicle under the influence of liquor and driving to endanger. She also was written up for a marked lane violation.

Police said the woman revealed while being taken into custody that she was in possession of a pet bearded dragon lizard.

Gold medal

Courtney Marneweck needs to get a life.

Or at least a more interesting life.

"Fieldwork is always challenging," said Marneweck, of South Africa's University of KwaZulu-Natal, in a recent scientific journal article.

Marneweck has been studying the social impact of a white rhino's dung.

Marneweck has been trying to develop a "pattern-recognition algorithm" to figure out "smell profiles" of 150 animals' feces. Marneweck tracks them individually to observe them in "the act."

"I think my record for waiting for a rhino to poo was 71/2 hours," Marneweck said.

Holy crap.

This was the 111th installment of our "Morons of the Month," which began Oct. 29, 2008. Later this year we'll observe the 10th anniversary of our monthly celebration of lack of common sense. Between now and then, we'll also be looking back at some of our all-time favorite gold-medal accomplishments.

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