Steve Eighinger

A mermaid wannabe, DNA never lies and 17 (count 'em, 17) cars

By Herald-Whig
Posted: Sep. 1, 2017 9:50 am

A little more than a year from now in this space, we'll be celebrating the 10th anniversary of "Morons of the Month."

Among the plans for that festive occasion will be an all-time memorable gold-medal winner. I haven't started the research for this project, but I'm pretty sure any of today's honorees could be in the running. See if you agree.

The envelopes, please:

Bronze medal

Apparently, Alexandra Turner enjoys the water.

Deputies in the St. Augustine, Fla., area arrested Turner, 22, after she reportedly bit a man's fishing line and swam off with his lure.

WSVN, a Fox television station that serves the region, reported that sheriff's deputies were called to a pier in St. Augustine. The deputies' report said a fisherman told the deputies that a woman (Turner), who appeared to be intoxicated, "swam up to him and cursed him out, then bit the line and swam away with the end." Deputies later located Turner and said "she became belligerent and refused to follow orders." When deputies tried to handcuff her, they said Turner started screaming, "I'm (expletive) naked!" repeatedly.

Turner was ultimately arrested on suspicion of disorderly intoxication and resisting arrest.

There's no word on whether the fisherman in question actually caught any fish that day.

Silver medal

Chalk this up as another one of those stupid criminals, this one in California.

Some people leave behind hair or fingerprints at a crime scene that can ultimately lead to their arrest.

Some people, or at least one, left behind something else.

Andrew David Jensen, 42, of California, was arrested as a suspect in a burglary when police found fecal matter in the toilet during their initial investigation. After the human waste was DNA-tested, it came back as a positive match for Jensen, the Ventura County Star reported.

Jensen was charged with first-degree residential burglary.

Gold medal

This has to be some kind of record. It just has to be.

A 25-year-old Orlando, Fla., man was arrested on DUI charges after he struck 17 parked vehicles.

ABC News reported that Tony Futch was arrested in Davenport, Fla., after the 2003 Chevrolet Blazer he was driving struck 17 vehicles in eight different crashes as he kept trying to park his SUV.

Making matters even worse for Futch was when police officers discovered that his license had been revoked for DUI in 2013.

An estimate of the amount of damage that was caused has not been released.

It's probably a safe bet Futch will not be allowed behind the wheel of any sort of vehicle for the foreseeable future.

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