Those who know me are familiar with my simple philosophy about travel: I don't.
And if, for some strange reason, I feel the need to experience life in Costa Rica, I turn on the Travel Channel. My idea of a trip around the world is somewhere between making the long haul to Wal-Mart and a junket to St. Louis.
Part of the reason I've never felt the urge to become a citizen of the world is simple. It's the people I would run into on the way to Norway or Istanbul. They're called tourists, and I'm sure most would make a long journey even longer.
My stay-at-home life was further cemented when I came across the following complaints from real-life travelers, supplied by legitimate travel agencies.
º "My fiancée and I requested twin beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
Comment: Obviously, this is a couple who should not have children.
º "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."
Comment: Later in the same day, they complained their ice cream was too cold.
º "We could not enjoy the tour ... our guide was too ugly. You can't be expected to admire a beautiful view when you're staring at a face like his."
Comment: Sorry, the Brad Pitt guide cost more.
º "The animals at the zoo looked very sad, and it made our children cry. Can't they train them to smile?"
Comment: Another couple who probably should not be entrusted with young children.
º "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."
Comment: These would be the same people who would get upset because they would have to buy their own food when they became hungry.
º "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."
Comment: We'll give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they were city folks. Either that, or they, too, should not be entrusted with young children.
º "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."
Comment: Simply inconsiderate.
º "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."
Comment: In the words of comedian Ron White, "You can't fix stupid."
º "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."
Comment: You can't believe everything you read. (Unless it's in this column.)